My final anti-cupid suggestion isn't quite a love letter...more a sentence...a sprinkling of words...a banner statement, if you will...

Though...in an attempt to prove that I'm not a complete curmudgeon when it comes to the under-dressed child with the bow and arrow...I'm including a rather sweet rendition of Never Tear Us Apart with today's post...

Another V-day gift suggestion for those of us who fall under the "bah humbug" school of thought...this time, a little something for the fiscally prudent cynic...a Love is a Killer credit card holder...

I realize that it's a tad early for a Valentine's Day post (even though the local sweet purveyors have been trying to convince me that I need pink candy in my life since about January 1st). Though, technically, this is more of an anti-V Day epistle...as it's a suggestion for the age old question "What do I give the person who dumped me/stood me up/or pulled some other stunt to prove that they were Mr. (or Miss) Wrong?

Why not a heart shaped box of...no, not candy...cuddly, fluffy giant microbes? For what says romantic disdain better than a plush chlamydia or herpes germ?

Sad...in the way that only something that isn't really that bad given the passing of time can be...the knowledge that my childhood passed in a Play Dough free haze (courtesy of an unexplained childhood allergy...hastily attributed to PD...and a parental unit who enforced the exclusion of PD in our home with the efficiency and enthusiasm of a social worker stamping out STDs).

Clearly some retrogressive therapy is in order...mainly centered around Tate Modern's Play Dough Bucket and those hours of the day that one sets aside for mindless pursuits...

Another day, another undesirable Christmas gift...this time seasonally (in)appropriate knitwear, aka the ugly Christmas sweater. Anthropologists have yet to agree on when the u.c.s. first made its appearance but it's now, sadly, a festive staple...causing puzzlement and dismay to anyone who receives one...and prompting the eternal question, "why me?".

The obvious option upon receiving an u.c.s. is to immediately re-gift it to whoever offended you most during the previous year...all I can say is, if someone hurt you that badly, fire away...hit them with angora tinsel and woolen snowmen from twenty paces. If, however, you're a compassionate soul who doesn't want to make others suffer might I suggest the following alternatives...

1. Turn the knitted nightmare into a tree skirt or festive bucket cover for your Christmas tree...what didn't work on you may look great on a 6' spruce.
   
2. Unpick the sweater at the seams, throw away the sleeves, and use the elements of the sweater's body to make a tea cosy (after all, the u.c.s. was designed to keep something warm...if it's not you it might as well be your teapot).

We all receive gifts that are...well...thoughtful...yet not something that we actually want. Elderly relatives, business acquaintances, and various other people that we either see rarely or who know very little about our tastes...all have the potential to give you something that upholds the dogma "'tis better to give than to receive".

Hence a few festive Public Service Announcement...otherwise known as "alternate uses for unwanted gifts". First up, bath salts. A great gift if you happen to like the scent, otherwise dead wood in your re-gifting closet. PSA says, "why not use them to de-ice your walkway?" Not only will you be the only person on your block with a tie-dyed patch of ice and snow outside your front door but any visitors to your abode will be wafted in on a cloud of scent. Stay tuned for more PSAs during the coming week...

Considering that the compilers of gift lists have long loved "the man who has everything" and his companion "the woman who has everything" it seems fitting that they have procreated to create "the child who has everything". Granted "the child" is going to be a blasé little bugger who's going to pass out from ennui before they hit puberty but, in the meantime, Barneys has them covered for Christmas.

My favorite item from Barneys gift options...something that works for every member of the "has everything" family...a 14k gold plated Slinky. One of those items which, even though you can take a step back and admit is over-priced and completely unnecessary, would nonetheless be lovely to find in your Christmas stocking...lovely and (say it with me) sliiiiiinky.

Mr. Heb and I have decided that, this year, we're going to try a gift-free Christmas. There'll still be food...and drink...and decorations aplenty...but there will be a Scrooge like absence of gifts. We decided upon this course of action last year when we realized that Christmas had become a little too commercial...and instead of trading gifts it merely felt like we were trading checks.

Which was all very well and good and virtuous from January through November but now I can't help but wonder what Christmas morning will be like with nothing under the tree...a feeling which probably comes from watching too many cautionary cartoons as a child...where Christmas was canceled and misery overtook the land. Perhaps I should purchase a precautionary gift...a "break now in case of emergency gift"...an "I need to rip something utterly useless open right now" gift...like this inflatable fruitcake...inexpensive, seasonal, and providing a sense of achievement once you get it blown up. Perfect.

Infinitely more appealing than the offerings in Neiman Marcus' Christmas catalog this year (you may recall my curiosity regarding who would buy a $60,000 replica of themselves in Lego) is this Boardwalk Photo Booth from Hammacher Schlemmer. For a reasonable (if you're talking 'fantasy gifts') $10,000 you get the booth and enough film to take 3,200 pictures.

Which seems to me to be the perfect gift...though I do admit to a general fascination with these booths anyway. It’s not (just) narcissism...the photos they create make me think of passports and travel...scrunching into a booth when you want to capture a moment or mood but don’t have a camera with you...the slightly grainy, mug-shot, quality of the images that somehow makes everything look a little bit cooler. The only off-putting factor normally being the layers of grime and miscellaneous strange stains that you normally encounter...after all, it’s difficult to smile for the camera when you’re not quite sure what you’re sitting on.

When I was about ten...and a tomboy...I lusted after a penknife. With monotonous regularity I would submit my request and, with equally monotonous regularity I would be told "no, you'll cut yourself".

Then, one magical day, I was given a mother-of-pearl handled fruit-knife.

As you've probably guessed, there was a "fruit based incident" and, in my excitement over being able to slice an apple in bed, I plunged the knife into the fleshy part of my palm. Of course, I neglected to mention the incident to my parents (because, well, no one likes a know-it-all) but I still bear the scar, both physically and apparently mentally.

Which you'd think would have put me off small, sharp, instruments...but no. When I saw this Whittling Kit all I could think was that it could potentially be the greatest stocking stuffer of all time. Five pieces of wood, a small knife, and a one-page instructional guide...who could ask for anything more? Plus, when I run out of wood I could try to emulate the crayon carving shown below. And, if an accident should occur, I have a good excuse to use one of the Swarovski Band Aids I mentioned earlier in the week.

As they said in the A-Team, "I love it when a plan comes together".

A visit to Prada's (very slow loading) eCommerce site yields an...um...interesting selection of Christmas gift suggestions. The featured items are only available to be shipped to certain European countries but, to be honest, most of the things on the site didn't exactly light me up with excitement. There's the slightly surreal "bear that looks like it's been in an accident and is wearing a head brace" bag trick and his friends, the other escapees from the insane asylum's teddybear's picnic. I think I know where they were going with this idea...the vintage bear with oh-so-modern embellishments...but, having seen one in person, they actually just look a little ratty...like they were attacked by moths.

There's also the usual selection of corporate gifts for the fashionable executive...money clips in the shape of paperclips, set squares, and pencil cases. Really, all that's missing is one of those swinging ball stress relievers...each ball emblazoned with the words "Prada"...I'm sure that will be part of next year's offerings though.

One of the few things that I saw on the site which did cause thoughts of the "what an incredible stocking stuffer" type were the Tarot cards. Not only is the artwork intriguing but I could waft around in the 70's dress I just bought trying to reenact Jane Seymour's role as Solitaire in the Bond film, Live and Let Die.

[Bond picks "The Fool" out of Solitaire's deck of cards]
Solitaire: You have found yourself.

At some point I think almost everyone gets a yearning to run away with the circus...yours may have occurred during childhood...or a little later, as mine did, at age nineteen...or you could still be waiting for it to come out of the shadows, lure you with cotton candy, and drag you away. And what's a better way to pass the time until circus fever strikes than by doing a jigsaw puzzle?

The only problem is that the majority of jigsaws seem to fall into the "chocolate box art" category and finding one that you actually want to finish so that you can see the full picture is something of a challenge in itself. Enter photographer Terry Richardson and his broken-down clown puzzle. It's a triple-threat...interesting artwork...a way to work off your circus demons...and all proceeds from the puzzle benefit RXart, a not-for-profit organization that provides fine art to health-care facilities.

Repeat after me, "I must unleash my inner clown..."

I think we all have someone on our list who is impossible to shop for because they "have it all"...well, maybe not all...but they're certainly tough to shop for. Which is why I like the idea of this gold-flash plated, limited edition gold bar doorstop by designer Arik Levy...it's marginally useful (everyone has at least one door they want to prop open now and again), historically significant (each bar is inscribed with the date in 1973 when women were finally admitted to the London Stock Exchange) and you can virtually guarantee that the gift recipient doesn't already have one.

I know that, in theory at least, it is better to give than to receive...but I also know that whoever is going to give me a gift worked hard for their money and I don't want them to waste it...which is why, even though in a perverse twist I love to give surprise gifts, when it comes to the receiving part I'd much rather let my giftgiver know exactly what I'd like. Which is why I am 99.9% certain that Blood Is The New Black's "Gold Teef for Errbody" t-shirt will be under the tree this Christmas...because nothing says "Happy Holidays" like golden grills...

Back in the early 90's Channel Four television aired re-runs of Monkey...a rather surreal television show on which the protagonists (Monkey, Sandy, and Pigsy) battled demons, monsters, and bandits...and generally finished the episode having learned a valuable moral lesson....good, clean fun provided by men with strange facial hair.

No connection...except the strange games that one's mind plays...between the television show and this yellow monkey keyring (or, as I would use it, a handbag trick) from Quelle Peste, except that I was besotted by Monkey (the show) and am smitten by Monkey (the keyring).

I must be seriously out of touch with menswear...I hadn't realized that Paul Smith had done one collaboration with Burton (of snowboard fame)...let alone two. Better late than never though as this hacking jacket is one of the most perfect collaborations I've seen in quite a while...the traditional cut and pattern meets Burton's technology, in the guise of waterproof fabric and taped seams. The best of both worlds, if you will.

And in the current climate of, in my opinion, rather ugly outdoor wear...where people seem to feel the need to look like they're in the middle of a triathlon, even when all they're doing is going shopping for groceries...I find this jacket rather comforting, the knowledge that utilitarianism and style can co-exist. In fact, if it wasn't a bit more than I was planning to shell out this holiday season I would snag one for Mr. Hebden.

Much more affordable, but equally acceptable, as gifts for the well-dressed man...copies of The Suit: A Machiavellian Approach to Men's Style and the ABC of Men's Fashion by Sir Hardy Amies...the latter is a re-issue of the original classic from 1965 which contains lines such as "A man should look as if he has bought his clothes with intelligence, put them on with care — and then forgotten all about them".

The well-dressed and well-read man...another intriguing combination.

Having come to the nasty conclusion that, short of taking up bank robbery or some such endeavor, Balenciaga's clothes and my closet are two things that are going to remain separate and distinct I was rather pleased to find this crest badge. Admittedly, at £70, it is pricey but it could be worn in so many different ways...on the pocket of a blazer...as a buckle on an impromptu ribbon belt...attached to a handbag...almost anything I own could be given a sudden Balenciaga boost. And that's why I'm adding this to my list of gift suggestions...it's my "things I may not spend money on myself but would love to get as a gift" wishlist item.

As we're quickly approaching the time when gifts will have to be bought (no matter how much you may prevaricate, as I do) I wanted to do some posts with gifts suggestions...a few thoughts for the last minute when the only thing that comes to mind is a hat and scarf set or a gift certificate.

So, to start off (and in the spirit of the season) I'm going to go for something non-mercenary (don't worry, the Verucca Salt-like "but daddy I want it now" items will come later)...something that spreads a little of that whole goodwill to mankind thing. Well, actually goodwill to animalkind...because suggestion number one is the adopt an animal program that most zoos have. For a fixed amount, which obviously grows in size in relation to the animal, you can give some assistance to your local zoo in providing bed & breakfast to the aforementioned mammal. In return, you generally get a photograph of your creature of choice, a factsheet, and a stuffed toy.

It sounds a little dorky, I admit, but I have given these as gifts and they do seem to be popular with both adults and children. And though a penguin or polar bear are obviously the seasonal options it's possible for the choice of animal to carry some message...for example, two friends of ours were celebrating an anniversary and we decided upon adopting a swan in their names...on the gift card we explained that swans mate for life, something that we hoped they would also achieve. The end result...tears and a few visits to "their" swan.